October 13th, 2012

jayne smile

Wash/Jayne fic.

After a bit of a holiday with the aim of not failing uni, I'm back with more!

Title - Whatever floats your boat. (New, better title. Was previously called The merc and the pilot.)
Setting - Serenity, these parts are all pre-series but will probably eventually continue beyond the movie. AU.
Author - cloned_fiction
Chapter - 5 more drabble like things.
Rating - PG13 for some tame swearing and breif mentions of sex so far, may go into more detail on the sex in the future but not much.
Word Count - Roughly 2700 overall

Summary: Wash/Jayne. What if Zoe never existed and Wash was pansexual and Jayne totally wasn't sly but deep down kinda was...

4 previous drabbles from the same story type thing can be found here.

[The baffeling case of the disappearing moustache]

The baffling case of the disappearing moustache.

It had been a throwaway comment. Not meant seriously in any sense. Jayne really hadn't given it another thought once the conversation ended. Apparently though, Wash had.


Jayne sat back in his chair and surveyed the bar. Of all the dumps Mal'd dragged them to across the 'verse, this one was scrapin' the bottom of the barrel. He was about to get another drink when Wash plonked forlornly into a chair across from him. “No luck with the ladies?” he asked.

“What ladies?” Jayne sneered. “Ain't no tail in this dump worth chasin'.”

“Hmmmm,” Wash said, making that face that he did when Jayne's crudeness bothered him. “There's no-one in here interested in touching me with a ten foot pole, even if I wanted them to, so I'd say I win the pity party.”

“I wouldn't wanna have sex with no-one that's got that monstrosity on their face neither,” Jayne said, gesturing towards Wash's upper lip.

Wash smiled and stroked his moustache thoughtfully. “Jayne my good man, I believe you engage in relations exclusively with members of the fairer sex, making your statement quite an obvious conclusion.”

Jayne didn't have time to reply before he heard Mal's shout from the other end of the bar. He grinned, launching himself across the room and slamming his fist and the full force of his momentum into a man's face before he even bothered to ask Mal what the fight was about.


Honestly, it had been a throwaway comment. He'd never expected Wash to take it seriously, or give it another thought - let alone act on it. Yet there he was at the breakfast table less than a week later, not a skerrick of facial hair on him. Jayne didn't know what he found more disturbing - how much of an improvement it made to Wash's looks, or the fact that he was apparently aware of them at all.

Author's note:
For the curious, in my mind Wash has more self esteem than to immediately rush back and shave his moustache at the merest hint that it might get him into Jayne's pants. Especially because at this point it has been made quite clear that Jayne would never be interested in having Wash in his pants for multiple reasons beyond facial hair. So what happened was, that slowly over a few days, Wash was increasingly effected by Jayne's comment on a subconscious level and every time he'd look in the mirror he'd be more and more bugged by the sight of his face with the moustache, until he eventually though oh why not I wanted to try a new look anyway and shaved it off. Then he really rather liked it for his own reasons, not just because of what Jayne said. It's just a coincidence that this event is the one which first pushed Jayne down the slippery slope of realising that he wouldn't mind Wash in his pants after all. Also, this chapter is supposed to take place on U-Day, but with the chapter from Jayne's pov I had to take out the part where he mentioned the “tradition” once I realised timeline-wise this was his first U-Day with Mal so he wouldn't know what was going on. Then I couldn't figure out another way of mentioning it.



Jayne grumbled darkly under his breath as he speared a lump of protein from his plate and bit down on it. This was the third night straight they'd spent in the black, after a brief and uneventful stop on a nowhere moon that had been preceded by even more long, lonely weeks of travel. In short it'd been near two months since Jayne had gotten any, an' he was feelin' it.

“You got somethin' you wanna share with us?” Mal enquired as Jayne nearly sent a small, shrivelled potato skidding off his plate. He looked up to see Wash widen his eyes and shake his head at the Captain, mouthing don't poke the bear and miming claws. Jayne growled low in his throat, and despite his foul mood he nearly grinned as Wash's expression turned from half joking concern to full blown panic. Then he glanced at Mal sitting at the end of the table, a stern I am the Captain here and I own you look on his face and he remembered why he was angry.

“Yeah maybe I do,” he grumbled. He let a tense silence settle over the table for a beat before he continued. “We never go anywhere fun no more.”

“You looked like you had fun in that brawl we happened to get ourselves into.”

“Happened to,” Wash repeated sceptically.

“If'n you're forgetting, that were over a month gone. An' besides, that dump was sorely lacking in other kinds of fun. I've got needs-”

Wuh duh ma huh tah duh fong kwong duh wai shung! Jayne, believe me, you do not have to elaborate on, or even mention, your needs to me. Ever, dong ma?” Mal raised a hand to massage his temples. “I know it's been tough lately. It's been hard findin' jobs that'll earn us enough to keep floating, let alone any of us havin' fun. We just don't have the firepower for the riskier jobs and the more legitimate-like ones pay next to nothing.”

“We could hire more muscle,” Wash said. Jayne frowned. It kinda made sense, but then he'd have to share the loot an' the food an' the space. He didn't like the sound of that.

“I think one money obsessed, heavily muscled combat specialist who thinks with organs other than his brain is more than enough for us to handle.” Mal said. “I've been considerin' hiring out one of our shuttles. Might be we can get us some more income and find us someone upstanding enough to lend a certain air of respectability that'll help smooth our docking at some more fun and hopefully profitable ports.”

“Ohhhh new crew?” Kaylee said.

“Maybe,” Mal said. “I'll put something out on the cortex, see if we can find someone suitable. In the mean time, everyone is just gonna have t' calm their pants an' do their jobs, else they won't have one 'cause we'll all be driftin' or dead of starvation.”

Whatever you say, Cap'n,” Jayne grumbled in response. At least he had an abundance of funds to spend once they made port next, with all the savings he'd made from this go tsao de dry spell.


Inara had replied to their cortex bulletin within a couple of days, sayin' they could meet her on Shinon so's she could check out the accommodations. Jayne didn't even care that the only sex for miles around were them uppity, over-expensive, companions - he was finally gonna get him some. As it turned out, even two months of pay weren't enough to buy Jayne time with one of them fancy-ass biao-tze. Which was how, two weeks later, they were travellin' through the black with a bonafide companion added to their crew, an' Jayne still hadn't got any. He woulda laughed at the irony, if he weren't so irritable.


Wuh duh ma huh tah duh fong kwong duh wai shung! = Holy mother of god and all her wacky nephews!

dong ma? = understand?

go tsao de = dog-humping

biao-tze = whores

Author's note:
Before I get a bunch of irony definition police raining hate down on me: Yes, Jayne possibly uses the word irony incorrectly, no I do not. What do you expect from him, he ain't a rocket surgeon. Also, I know this has been a long, sexy-times free ride so far (for a slash fic) and a lot of you are probably feeling it just as bad as Jayne here. Hang in there though because the wait will be over sooner than you think. Also, Jayne had enough. The companions he tried to contract thought him crude and brutish so told him he couldn't afford them.

[I ain't sly.]
I ain't sly.

Wash was sprawled out on the couch in the rec room watching Jayne clean his guns when Kaylee came bouncing down the stairs, collapsing into an armchair with a contented sigh. Wash smiled as he noticed Jayne's face muscles twitch ever so slightly in annoyance at the intrusion.

What's got up your pee-goo to make you so gorram cheerful lately?” Jayne grumbled at her eventually.

“Kaylee doesn't need a reason to be cheerful,” Wash said. “But I believe in this case our little mechanic got laid back on Shinon.”

“Maybe,” Kaylee said, grinning in a way that meant definitely.

Jayne snorted, looking up from his guns to leer over at her. “Shoulda said something if you was lookin' to get laid,” he said. “Coulda saved you the money.”

Kaylee rolled her eyes. “An' you know I'd rather sleep with a cactus.” Wash smiled to himself. He wouldn't.

Jayne grinned. “I don't recall sayin' anything about sleepin'.” Then he shrugged. “I were just sayin', offer's always there if'n you change your mind...”

Wash feigned a melancholy sigh. “How come I never get propositioned for sex?” he joked “It's enough to make a man feel unloved.”

Kaylee laughed but Jayne glared over at him. “I ain't sly!” he said. There was an all-too-familiar kind of defensiveness behind the merc's tone.

“Whatever you say,” Wash replied, flashing a grin over at Jayne. Jayne glared sullenly back before retuning to polishing his guns with renewed determination.

Not for the first time Wash considered that Jayne may not be completely straight and narrow after all. A shiver spread over his skin as his gaze wandered down Jayne's torso. The things he could do to convince him...


It was later that night when Jayne caught up with him. Wash was getting ready for bed when the hatch opened and Jayne dropped down into his room.

Gao yang jong duh goo yang! Haven't you heard of knocking?” Wash shoved the singlet which had been half way off his torso back on. Jayne just stared at him. “What do you want anyway?” Wash asked, starting to feel nervous.

Jayne blinked, seemingly trying to remember why he was there. “I ain't sly,” he said eventually.

Wash stared blankly over at him. He was still hung up on that? Oh there was definitely some massive denial at play here. Heart pounding in his chest, Wash decided to take a chance. “That's too bad,” he said, looking Jayne up and down, a confident smirk masking his nerves. This was one hell of a gamble, but then again Jayne was the one who had come into his bunk.

“Too bad,” he repeated, finally letting his gaze meet Jayne's. There was something unreadable behind the merc's eyes.

The seconds passed like minutes as Wash watched Jayne's face for any kind of reaction. Then, without warning, Jayne strode forward and shoved Wash against his wardrobe, holding him still with an arm across his chest. Wash's heart stopped for a moment as he stared up at Jayne staring fiercely back down at him, unsure whether he'd been entirely wrong and pushing this had been a bad idea. Then Jayne grabbed Wash's belt, tugging at the buckle. Wash grinned and tangled his hands in the front of Jayne's shirt, pushing him towards the bed.


Afterwards, Wash lay on his bed watching Jayne redress. He was in an awful hurry to leave, Wash noticed, and he wondered if this would make things awkward between them.

“It's jus' sex,” Jayne muttered as he pulled his shorts on. “Don't make me sly.” Then he grabbed his boots and hoisted himself up the ladder, never once looking back.

Yep, awkward, Wash thought to himself as he watched Jayne's feet disappear out the hatch. Totally worth it though.


pee-goo = butt

Gao yang jong duh goo yan! = Motherless goats of all motherless goats!

Author's Note:
Did Kaylee pay for sex? I don't think so, but Jayne wouldn't stop to think there was an alternative, especially given their reason for being on Shinon. She likely had a fling with a civilian she met because contrary to what Jayne thinks, it's not a planet populated entirely with companions and trainee companions. And oh yeah, the sexy-times are here! There may be times when for plot reasons I go a bit further into a sexy-type scene than this, but I'm generally too much of a prude to write detailed sex scenes. Also, yeah, I'm using the ages old massively in denial super macho guy has sex with men and is probably at least bi but kids himself it doesn't mean anything because it's just sex and he's always on top anyway and everyone knows that doesn't count trope, what of it? :)



The thing you had to know about space travel was that it was dull. Really dull. 'Specially when you were travelling near endlessly through the black with a crabby captain that never gave you a decent amount of time for planetside recreation, an annoying pilot that wouldn't stop making passes at you, and two hot as hell women who wouldn't even give you the time of day let alone get naked with you. In an attempt to stave off this dullness, Jayne had a bunch of things he did to pass the time between the more fun (planetside) (gun or bed related) bits.

Mostly he slept or ate, though he couldn't do that exclusively or he'd loose his physical edge. He liked to drink too, but there was never enough decent alcohol on the boat. A lot of the time he cleaned his guns. This was legitimately fun, as he did love his girls an' any time he could spend with them. Unfortunately, there was only so many times they needed maintenance an' just sitting around stroking them generally earned him looks varying from worried to outright terrified from the rest of the crew. Working out helped, and he occasionally played cards or sport with the others. Plus there was always the option to stay squared away in his quarters for some rec time, but it often left him feeling empty. He just preferred when it was a collaborative effort.

There were little things too - seeing how often he could make Kaylee blush or sqirm, riling up the cap'n, trying to pry whorin' stories outta Inara, an' of course scarin' Wash. Yet he was still left with so many hours of boring nothin'. Hours of boring, sexually frustrated, nothin'.

So maybe he'd added another activity. It didn't mean nothin'. He had needs, an' the aforementioned hot as hell women weren't at all keen to help him with them. Wash was... very keen. It was just a convenience, an' it definitely didn't make him sly.


These were the rules for having totally-not-sly sex with Jayne, as Wash had figured them so far:

1. This didn't happen.
2. And never tell anyone else otherwise.
3. No kissing.
     a) Or talking.
     b) Or looking him in the eye.
     c) Or sticking around afterwards.
     d) That would be sly.
4. Jayne wasn't sly.
5. Never in Jayne's bunk.
6. Never within a week of Jayne getting some from a member of the fairer sex. (Why would he need Wash if he was getting that?)
7. Wash wasn't allowed to initiate.
8. Jayne was always in charge.
9. This was the last gorram time...

Sometimes Wash wondered why he put up with Jayne's rules. Then it would happen again. Oh yeah, that's why, he would think to himself as he pushed Jayne's shirt over his head, his fingers brushing lightly over the merc's chest.

Author's notes:
Pretty standard rules for the afforementioned trope. This one's kinda short and simple but I thought it was kinda funny.

Also, if you enjoyed reading this and would like to be a help in me getting out more and generally shiny-ing it up, I'm looking for a beta reader. Drop a comment or pm me if you're available and interested :)

Appologies if this is frowned upon, but this I found this gif today and I think it is priceless in conjunction with this fic:
[gif under here]

You gotta love it when cannon crushes your shipping dreams so directly :P It only makes me ship harder.